Dubya has been all over the TV this last week trying to rewrite history and offering excuses for everything that has gone wrong over the last 8 years. Despite my repeated offer/request/plea that the present occupant of the White House write a guest post for Gort42 he never got back to me for some reason. Maybe when he had the time to write something he chose to clear brush, fall off his bike or stab himself with a pretzel instead.
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He did find time to write-up something for the Onion
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Oh, America. Eight years went by so fast, didn't they? I feel like I hardly got to know you and methodically undermine everything you once stood for. But I guess all good things must come to an end, and even though you know I would love to stick around for another year or four—maybe privatize Social Security or get us into Iran—I'm afraid it's time to go. But before I leave, let me say, from the bottom of my heart: I can't think of another country I would've rather led to the brink of collapse.
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Boy, oh boy, if these Oval Office walls could talk. Seems like it was only yesterday that I started my first term despite having actually lost to Al Gore by more than a half million votes. Hmm. We were all so young and peaceful then. Gosh, gas was still under $2 a gallon! On my watch it peaked at more than twice that. Never getting it up to $6 or ideally $7.50 will be one of my few regrets when I leave office.
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It's just gonna be so hard packing up my things and heading off into the sunset come January. I wish I could go on forever giving massive and disastrous tax cuts to the wealthy, taking the country from a surplus to a deficit—nearly $500 billion this year, likely to pass $1 trillion next year, fingers crossed—and just generally doing irreparable damage to the very underpinnings of our economy, but, well, I'm afraid the Constitution says I can't. And not even I can overrule the Constitution. Though Lord knows I tried! Initiating blanket wiretaps without warrants, suspending habeas corpus for prisoners in Guantanamo, infiltrating an unknown number of nonviolent civilian antiwar groups without permission… such wonderful memories. I'm going to cherish them forever.
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My fellow Americans, I only hope that every time you have your civil liberties encroached upon by the Patriot Act, you'll think of me.
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Everywhere I look brings back memories. The Blue Room is where Laura and I put up our first White House Christmas tree. Down the hall, in the East Room, is where I concocted my favorite signing statement to circumvent the anti-torture guidelines of the Detainee Treatment Act of 2005, and—ooh!—right across the way is where Cheney and I decided to use the death of 3,000 Americans on 9/11 and the nation's subsequent fear of another attack as an excuse to carry out our long-standing plan to invade Iraq. I should really get a picture before I leave.
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Speaking of pictures, whenever I look at the dusty old newspaper photos of those tortured prisoners at Abu Ghraib or the crumpled ruins of that bridge in Minnesota, I can hold my head up high knowing that I truly fucked this nation—physically and symbolically—beyond repair. I only wish I had the time to destroy a couple more major American cities.
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And Cheney, I almost forgot about Cheney. What a guy, huh? I can't believe that in a few short weeks he's never going to talk to me again. The stories I could tell you about what went on in some of those back rooms—well, you wouldn't believe me if I declassified the memos. I don't know, maybe in 20 years, when the economy has rebounded and the people displaced by Katrina have rebuilt their lives from scratch with almost no federal assistance, Cheney and I can meet up again in the Rose Garden and reminisce over the good old days, when it seemed like there was no part of this great country we couldn't ruin forever.
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What am I going to do once I'm no longer president? I've gotten so used to waking up every day, playing fetch with the dogs on the White House lawn, and then spending a lazy afternoon shredding every last bit of our good will abroad in a mind-boggling display of diplomatic incompetence.
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The worst part about leaving is knowing I can never screw up anything this big again. Don't get me wrong, I'm only 62. I could still bankrupt an oil company, or become the next MLB commissioner and ruin baseball. But I'll never get the opportunity to fuck up on this massive of a scale again. Even if you put me back in charge for another term, I could only take the U.S. from a rapidly declining world power to not a world power at all. I don't mean to gloat, but I think it's safe to say that no one can ever unseat the American empire like I unseated the American empire.
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Still, I have to admit, sometimes I think I could've dismantled so much more. The very fact that the environment still exists, that a mere 4,000 troops have died in Iraq, that there is still the slightest glimmer of hope for the future left in this nation—it's easy to feel like maybe I didn't do my job. But no, no, there's no use having any regret. I fucked everything up the best I could and that's good enough for me.
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You know, I've got a few weeks left. I could still illegally fire some U.S. attorneys for political reasons, or finally get rid of that pesky separation between church and state. Or maybe I could just bomb a place. Like Russia. But this time, I would really savor it.
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As long as I live, America, I'll never forget irreparably ruining you. Unless we all die in a nuclear war or calamitous environmental disaster brought on by my neglect. Either way, I'll see you all in heaven!
Note to The Onion Lawyers: I know I went past fair use by reprinting the whole thing, please forgive me.
Bush will be remembered. Some positive, some negative, but he will be remembered. It will take the GOP some time to recover from his leadership - but they will recover.
ReplyDeleteBush will be remembered alright. He will rank up there with Warren Harding, James Buchanan and Herbert Hoover.
ReplyDeleteG, Harding should not be mentioned amoung Bush, PA's favorite Son, and the Boy Wonder.
ReplyDeleteThe teapot dome was not really a big deal, Especially compared to the war of choice Wilson got us into. And all the people he illegally arrested.
I will take a guy allegedy allowing his freinds to take kickbacks ( I would say his sin was laziness) over Wilson who was essentially Bush's mentor(making the world safe for democracy). Also Wilson was racists and anti-Catholic. The GOP was winning a majority of Catholic Votes in the national lever until 1928.
As I digress Wilson also arrested arrested many people who disagreed with him, in addittion to anti war politicians he also jailed Women sufferage supporters. And Harding pardoned the people Wilson unconstitionally charged.
Also give harding Credit for picking Silent Cal who I would argue is the best or secound best presdient of the this Century(Ike)
College knew Hoover would suck like a vacum cleaner, but he felt he was un equipped to be presdient for four more years. he thought If George Washington only thopught he could serve 8 years how could i serve 10. But he could not stop the Hoover juggarnot in the primary. Hoovers general election colaition was made up of conservatives who did not realize Smith was not a a Cleavland Democrat(not a wilsonian)made up and Wilsonian anti Catholics who would not support Al Smith.
Anywyas harding is ok, Coolidge is bad Ass
Good bye George, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. - Former Republican
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