O Tannenbaum

CHRISTMAS IS JUST NOT FUN ANYMORE!!!!!!

A Holiday Message from Mean Old Man

  Well, here we go again with the stupid holiday of Christmas.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knockin’ the birth of good ol’ Jesus, but the things that I have to go through this time each year.  Damn!!!!!!!!

  Of course, it’s just not one day either; I have to put up with my stupid family not just on Christmas Day but also on Christmas Eve----two days of Hell!!!  I would rather be back in the heat of the Battle of the Bulge than to go through these next two days (and that wasn’t no picnic!).  Of course on that night my dimwit hippie sons and their useless wives will flop themselves in my living room along with their demented kids.  Which only means that instead of a relaxing evening watching Wheel of Fortune and Murder She Wrote with the great Angela Lansbury (now that’s a “lady”!) I’ll probably be forced to look at some stupid rapper Christmas special because my grandkids are in charge of their parents.  Damn!!!!!  Not to mention to add more misery my stupid brother in law John will be arriving with his “friend”, Hal.  These two funny boys should just go and get married already since President Obama said it’s OK!!!!!!!!

  In my day, Christmas was different.  Don’t get me wrong, we celebrated Christmas Eve and the blessed day also, but everything was more polite and not too extravagant.  Christmas Eve usually involved Mom lugging us all to Mass.  For some reason Pops always seemed to have a bad cold that night but had his trusty bottle of Seagram’s to medicate himself.  But before we did that ol’ Pops and me would go out into the woods and cut down a tree for the house.  I remember one Christmas when Pops was just a bit way too medicated to go “tree hunting” as he called it,  the responsibility was in my 10 year old hands.  I remember it was a windy night combined with heavy snow/sleet.  I could still feel the sleet stinging my face like needles and pins as I trekked up the hill to find a good tree.  It was so bad that I just took the hatchet to the first tree I found and dragged it home.  When I got into the house, Pops blew his top screaming that the tree I chose wasn’t good enough for a bordello let alone a good Christian home.  He dragged me and the tree out to the front porch and flung me to the icy/cold sidewalk screaming that I had better get my tail back to the woods and find a decent tree.  After about an hour and a half I finally found a tree I figured Pops would like but it didn’t matter anyhow because when I got back to the house he was sleeping off his medication.  Nevertheless, Mom, me and my dumb brother Skip decorated the tree and a nice Christmas Eve was had by all.  I’ll say one thing about ol’ Pops, he certainly made Christmas interesting—you never knew what you were gonna get.  He could be either Santa or Scrooge both with a little Joe Louis thrown in for good measure---he was one of a kind and a real man.  I miss him a lot.

Kid just don’t respect adults anymore.  And God help you if you don’t give them the load of expensive presents!!  All we ever got on Christmas morning was a tangerine and some socks---and it was great!!!!! Try giving that to a runt today!!!!!!!   Damn, I hate it all!!!!  So all you dimwit Commies have a nice Christmas holiday.  Maybe you can send Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro each a nice get well Christmas Card.  As for me, I will be in my trusty attic smoking a Lucky (the cigarette that went to war), swigging a Steg and listening to the soothing sounds of Jerry Vale singing, “Home for the Holidays”.  Hell, maybe I’ll even invite my pals Creep, Gummo and Skeets over.  Merry Christmas.  I hate you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!