Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Tis the Season

A Yuletide Message by Mean Old Man
Once again we are upon that holiest of seasons, the observance of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.  But what with all the damn commercials and sales pitches for everything from cell phones to Ford F150’s you wouldn’t know!!!  And to top it all off, all of the spoiled, bratty kids squawking about wanting this and that and-----Hell---everything!!!!   No one even talks about Jesus anymore or all of his good works.  Except for this week when some bleach blonde on Fox news stated that our savior was white.  Now, I wasn’t around then, but all I know is every single picture of Jesus Christ that I have seen has him white, so I have to accept it.  End of Story!!!!!!!  But there is another thing that the dumb bimbo brought up that I need to get off of my mind.
Santa Claus, the biggest detractor to Jesus that ever existed and more likely an early invention of the Communist party…..perhaps Karl Marx’s grandfather came up with the idea.  Anyways, once ol’ Santa got into the mix that’s what everybody seemed to start talking about.  Hell, even I believed in this silly fat Soviet invention at one time as a child, until ol’ Pops put an end to it.  I remember it so well…..
One Christmas around the time I as 7 years old, I was obsessed with getting a new baseball glove as a gift.  So, I went upstairs to the bedroom that I shared with my two loser brothers, Mike and Bye (who were older than me, by the way).  I sat down at the small desk that Pops made for Mike and began to write a letter to ol’ St. Nick.  I don’t think I got to my second sentence when the door slams open and there standing, big as life was Pops.
“Hey dimwit!” He screamed louder than a banshee.  “I get home from the breaker and I find that the furnace is almost empty.  What the hell are you up to?!?!?!”  I told him that I was writing to Santa to ask for a baseball glove.  Pops face turned redder than Gloria Steinman at a pro-life rally and he nearly went nuts.
“I’m gonna let you in a little secret moron, there’s no such thing as Santa Claus and even if there was he wouldn’t give a lazy dope like you a damned thing!!!!!!!!!!!”  Pops then proceeded to ball me out for not shoveling the coal into our furnace.  He then grabbed me by my shirt collar and lifted me up from the chair while slapping me around like a rag doll.  Then he proceeded to fling me down the stairwell into our parlor.  Once there he rushed down the steps and made a quick 180 to the ice box to fetch a bottle of Steg.  While slugging it down he grabbed me once again with his other arm and flung me down the cellar steps.
“I had better see enough coal in the furnace to keep the King of Siam warm, or your spending the night making an igloo out in the yard!!!”
While shoveling that night, I could feel the blood seeping from my forehead and the pain in my lower back each time I bent to pick up a load of coal.  It was painful, horrifying and degrading….and I loved it!!!  Because Pops taught me an important lesson that day, to face reality and not count on any handouts.  Good ol Pops, there’ll never be another like him.  I miss him a lot.
So, all you liberal, commie idiots out there screaming about some bimbo saying Santa is White, forget it.  There is no Santa and there never was.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a  Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, that Christmas I didn’t get my baseball glove.  Instead I got a new shirt because Pops had ripped my old one when he hoisted me up like an ornament.  It was one of the best gifts I ever got!!!!!
So all you goofballs have a Merry Christmas….and make sure you got your cards out early to the Kremlin and Peking.  As for me, I’ll be sitting at home, enjoying a Lucky and hoisting a Steg while listening to Nat King Cole singing the Christmas Song.
Merry Christmas!!!!!  I hate you all!!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

A post not suitable for children under age 9.

Anonymous said...

Nothing even mildly entertaining about child abuse

Anonymous said...

Anon: 4:30---maybe kids today could use a little whack. Seems the kids rule the parents now.

Drop the PC bullshit.