Saturday, December 24, 2011

Seasons greetings


A Yuletide message from Mean Old Man

Well, here we go again with dumb Christmastime!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking Jesus or his birthday but why does the holiday have to be all about giving presents to people (especially people you don’t even like). Now, if Jesus himself came back I would be happy to buy him a present. He’d appreciate it, not like my stupid kids or even stupider grandkids!!! To top it all off, I have to endure these ingrates all day long on Sunday, when I’d rather be down at the VFW shooting pool with my pals.

To make things worse, this year my pals aren’t even going to be around for our traditional Christmas Eve Jamboree at the VFW. Usually, around 1 in the afternoon on that great day we all head on down there to tip a few Stegs and talk about how crappy America has become what with its hippies and socialists running Washington. Then we shoot a few games of pool, play some darts (my buddy Gummo usually wins, despite the fact that he normally downs 12 bottles of Gold Medal and six or seven shots of Seagram’s) and we just have a plain damned good ol’ patriotic time! I always enjoy this day because it helps me to prepare for the nightmare of Christmas Day at the homestead. But it ain’t gonna happen this year.

For one thing, my pal Creep broke his leg when his dumb wife made him go do some sort of prissy ballroom dancing thing. MY buddy Birch is being forced (in my opinion) to travel to New York with his harlot daughter and moronic son in law to see some stupid tinker bell Christmas show at Radio City music hall. If my memory is correct, that place was built by the great J D Rockefeller who sadly spawned a son who became New York’s first commie Governor. OL’ Nelson Rockefeller kept that music hall open with his money, so in a way I have the commies to thank for not having a great American like Birch here for our tradition. Thanks Commies!! Finally, my good pal Gummo can’t make it because he has to babysit his nitwit four year old grandson while his painted faced daughter goes to an office Christmas party. Why on Earth does a four year old need a damned baby sitter anyways??? In my day we were already stoking the coal stove and stealing the coal that went into it from boxcars. And damned if we didn’t because good ol’ Pops would have (and many times did!) packed a shiner on our jaw that would make Joe Louis cringe!!!! Good ol’ Pops, I’m no funny boy, but I always get a bit misty eyed this time of year when I think about him. He was the best. I miss him a lot.

Anyways, I guess I’ll head on over anyway and have a shindig of my own. Maybe some of the Vietnam vets will show up and I can tell them how WWII was a real man’s war and all “they” do is whine all the time. And to top off the argument, “we won our war!”. Sadly, Birch, Creep and Gummo won’t be with me to beat the hell out of them (as we usually do).

Then on Christmas I’ll endure the stupid rantings of my dumb hippie sons Clay and Harlan, all the while listening to the nail on chalkboard voices of their wives. My stupid grandkids will be jumping all around making me nervous. The only good thing to come out of the damned day will be Thelma Jean’s prize turkey with cornbread stuffing topped off by her champion biscuits. Then I’ll make myself scarce upstairs until they all get the hell out and go back to their own houses.

So, Merry Christmas all you subversives. Enjoy your day. Maybe John Boehner will come over and give you a present and snatch it back just when you start opening it! As for me, I’ll be sitting back in my easy chair, smoking a Lucky (the cigarette that went to war—LSMFT), hoisting a Steg and listening to the soothing sounds of Nat King Cole (now there was a great African American!!!) singing “The Christmas Song”. Take that Commies.

Enjoy your day and by the way, I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

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