Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Don't be my Valentine


A Valentines message from Mean Old Man

Well, here we go again with the stupid, made up holiday, Valentine’s Day. Damn!!!!!

Each year poor schmuck guys have to go out and pay ten times the normal price for a dozen roses, five times the price for a box of candy and to top it off (depending on the timeline of the relationship), spring for an expensive restaurant dinner. My own two loser sons, Harlan and Clay made the unusual gesture of coming over for Sunday dinner this past weekend. Not that they were foolin’ me; I knew what they were up to.

Right after a hearty meal of breaded possum (with a side of Owl Soup---topped off with Thelma Jean’s champion biscuits), my boys asked me if they could see me in my hunting den (it used to Harlan’s bedroom, but I converted it to a den after I threw him out on his 18th birthday). I thought this was unusual since these prissies were afraid to come within ten feet of a shotgun, let alone hold one in their puny arms. But then, it hit me.

“Hey Pops, I really am in a bind this week and Valentine’s day is coming” Clay started. “Do you think you could spot me a C note until next payday?” Before I even got to refuse him dumb Harlan interjected, “Boy Pops, it’s the same with me too. I could use a hundred also. How about it?” I became so red and angry that you would have swore that Nancy Pelosi was in my sacred den. I told the dimwits that it was never too late to grow up and that they better grow a pair and be men!!!!
Guys today are such wimps when it comes to their relationships with their wives. These two yokels of mine care as much about Valentine’s Day as I do; but there is one difference. They are scared to ignore the holiday because their wives will give ‘em each a shiner if they don’t buy them something. Boy, how men have become feminized.

In my day, we had Valentine’s Day, too. But we didn’t make a big deal out of it. You see, back then only UNMARRIED people celebrated it!!!!!

When Pops courted Mom, he would bring her fresh cut pine tree parts from the woods. HE would wrap a red bow around them and she was on top of the world. Once they were married it stopped, because there was no reason to put on an act when you already got the girl to wear the wedding band. God, things were so much easier then!!! I remember on Valentine’s Day when I was about 10 and our wacky neighbor Joe brought his wife some flowers. I remember the look on my wonderful Mom’s face when Mrs. Roberts showed her them. That night, when Pops came in from a rough day at the colliery, Mom seemed miffed that she didn’t get anything. Pop’s told her that a woman like her should be happy to have bagged a husband in the first place and that was gift enough for Valentine’s day. He also told her that we were out of beer and to head on down to the corner bar and get some! Good ol’ Pops. When they made him, they broke the mold. I miss him a lot.

And there’s no doubt that some Commie came up with this dumbbell holiday in order to raise funds for the Kremlin. Well, I’ll tell you—there ain’t no way that this patriotic American is going to donate to the party of Lenin and Stalin and Cho En lai!!!!!!!!!!! Sadly, even my good ol’ pals Creep and Gummo have been pulled in by this balderdash!!! God help them if they don’t take their wives out to eat on that day. Anyways, my other pal Birch and me have a good ol’ time razzing those two henpecked bozos at the VFW the next afternoon over a few cold Stegs. Despite their sometimes wimpiness, Creep and Gummo are good guys. I would rather be in a fox hole with those two than a hundred of today’s wimpy men.

Instead of trying to repeal the government health program called Obama care (which by the way is cutting deep into my Medicare and Social Security) why not just repeal Valentine’s Day??? Or, better yet, make it a law that the women have to buy the men something on that day. I could sure use a new Remington that’s for sure!! For once, I would be on the side of equal rights for women and government interference if this happened. Sign the law, MR. President!!!

So, all you wimpy guys have a nice Valentine’s Day. Make sure you spend a lot of your dough on flowers and candy and dinner. The Kremlin is waiting on your funds. As for me, I’ll be in my living room after feasting on some of my missus’s Woodchuck stew, lighting a lucky, and listening to the soothing sounds of Frank Sinatra singing “MY Funny Valentine”. Now there’s an Italian that could sing!!!!
Happy Valentine’s Day
Go to Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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