Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Enjoy the fireworks

A guest post


An Independence Day Message by Mean Old Man

Every July 4th God fearing, patriotic Americans gather to celebrate our glorious nation's independence. But lately the commie liberals have infiltrated this sacred holiday and I'm not happy!!!

In my day we knew what July 4th was all about. Of course, the celebrating didn't just start on the 4th. A few days before that you would head on downtown to the local firework merchant and pick up your roman candles, half sticks of dynamite, and a few concoctions that you really weren't too sure about (but always provided excitement when you lit them up). And it was a real family affair too, because every family had their own personal fireworks display in their backyard--not like the sissy organized commie displays today.
Last year my goofy son Clay and his harlot wife dragged me and Thelma Jean along with their spoiled runts down to Kirby Park to see the fireworks display. God, I never saw such a gathering of wimps in my life!! And the minute I try to pop open a bottle of Steg to drown my sorrows, some cop comes up to me and tells me to pour it or he'll run me in. It was a good thing for him that I wasn't in a real bad mood because no patriotic American should let anyone get between him and his beer on the fourth of July!!! But being that it was one of the boys in blue, I let it slide.

The damned Kirby display wasn't anything like the displays me and my buddies grew up with. In the good old days we appreciated a fireworks display and like I said we had real "works" that were dangerous and made the day a challenge of fun and terror all in one!! Hell, when you arrived in the back yard you didn't know if you would return inside the house with all your body parts intact or not. Don't tell me that ain't fun!!! I remember on fourth when we convinced my dimwit buddy Gummo to take bets from all of us that he could hold a half stick of dynamite in his mouth until the fuse got near the base of the stick. We chipped in a quarter apiece betting that the schmuck would chicken out and throw the stick away first. Ol' Gummo if he was successful would have over a dollar in his pocket afterwards (when the Yankee dollar was worth something, before the liberals got a hold of it!). Anyway, I lit the fuse as poor Gummo stood there shaking like Louis Farrakhan at a KKK meeting. Well, as I figured, he chickened out and when the burning fuse was about a fourth of an inch from his mouth he pulled the stick out. What the dummy didn't realize was that the dynamite was all wet from his saliva; it became briefly lodged in his hand for a second (when you're dealing with dynamite, every second counts) and before he could throw it away it blew up!! I can still hear his screams of pain; his hand looked like it went through the corner butchers meat grinder. Ol' Gummo turned white as a sheet. The pain was killing him and Mom put some ice on the area where his full hand once was; we didn't go to prissy emergency rooms in those days--we lived with our pain!!! But you know what? Gummo wasn't complaining; he knew that was the price of fooling around on the fourth--- and he loved it!!!! And to top it all of, the only finger that was left on his hand was the middle one. So good ol'could Gummo flip someone and get away with it because he has no other fingers!!! And he enjoys doing that a lot, especially at VFW meetings. What a guy.

But I guess it's asking too much for today's wimpy kids to have the kind of fun that me, Gummo, and my buddies had. Hell, if a little liberal tyke grabs hold of one of those sissy sparklers his yuppie parents are ready to cart him to therapy for fear he'll become a firebug. Damn!!!!
So all you goofball, dumbell liberals; have a nice Fourth of July. Enjoy your commie chinese fireworks that don't work. Enjoy your Zima, don't get your Dockers dirty. And don't forget to tighten that leash on your kids so they can't break loose and have some fun. As for me, I'm popping open a Steg, retrieving some of the old dynamite that I have left over from my days on the railroad, filling up the ol' Zippo, and having a patriotic grand ol' time. Hell, maybe even ol' Gummo will pop on over and take another stab at the dynamite trick.

That's my 4th; That's my America!!!
I hate you all!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Zen said...

and people say I write funny stuff!!!! That was great, thanks for the laugh.