Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving memories


By Mean Old Man

Here we go again with the stupid "get together with the stupider relatives" holiday of Thanksgiving. As you can tell, I'm not my usual jolly self only for the simple reason that I have to deal with these dumbbells every year at this time. Of course, it doesn't end with Thanksgiving, next we have Christmas and then New Years, too. Damn!!!

In my day we celebrated Thanksgiving too, but we didn't make a big family spectacle out of it. Pops would go out that morning and hunt down a good wild turkey for Mom to throw in the trusty coal stove. He'd be back around 8 and sit in his easy chair chugging down Ballentine while good old Mom slaved around the kitchen for five or six hours. By the time dinner was ready, Pops was plastered to the gills, usually complaining that the potatoes or the stuffing was overcooked or undercooked. Of course, my sissy brothers would always be whining about not getting enough on their plates and Pops usually would wallop them across the face (this was usually followed by Mom walloping Pops with her pie roller). God, those were fun days!!! We didn't have to worry about stupid relatives coming over and ruining things because Pops didn't get along with any of them and they didn't want to be around him anyway, since they were twirpy tea totalers. Once, my Mom's "dainty" brother, Uncle Jools, wanted to take me on a camping trip, "To get you out of this unholy, alcoholic environment." He bought me a pocket knife, a neat flashlight, and a great compass. I actually was looking forward to camping since Pops never took me anywhere but to the woodshed. Anyway, when we were ready to leave the house for the weekend, Pops came home unexpectedly early from the beer garden. Needless to say, he accused Uncle Jools of trying to turn "my boy against me!" He told Jools to clear out of the house immediately or he would mount his head over the fireplace. Poor Uncle Jools ran faster than a squirrel from Thelma Jean's shotgun and that was the end of my camping trip. Afterwards, Pops accused me of not loving him and when I told him all that I wanted to do was experience camping, he immediately set up a makeshift tent in our back yard. "Have fun camping," he shouted at me. "Don't step foot in this house for anything until tomorrow night!" Mind you, it was around 25 degrees at night with snow. I spent the entire time huddled under a thin blanket. The cheap tent could barely keep the wind from freezing me up totally. By the time Pops let me in the next day, I was blue from the cold, starving and had developed severe pneumonia; I almost died. But I learned one thing; Pops loved me a lot or he wouldn't have been so jealous of Uncle Jools. Gee, I miss Pops a lot; to hell with Uncle Jools!!!!!!

God, I hate holidays!! I'd rather be in a dentists chair having a root canal with no Novocain than to deal with all of this!

Of course, if it were only Thanksgiving that would be bad enough; but then I have to deal with all the crazy liberals jamming my stores and more importantly, my traffic on Friday. Why is it that every danged person these days has to have a car?!? In my day you were lucky if you saw three or four cars on the street at one time. Now there's more cars than people!!! Thanks commies!!!

SO, all you bleeding heart liberals have a nice Thanksgiving. Don't forget to drop a buck in the Salvation Army basket on Friday, too (the Kremlin's low on money). As for me, come Friday, I'll be sitting in the Legion with Creep and Gummo (provided I don't get crushed by traffic), slugging a few Stegs, smoking a Lucky and listening to the soothing sounds of Johnny Ray singing "Whiskey and Gin". Happy Thanksgiving and go to Hell!!!

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