Happy Groundhog Day

THEY SHOULDN’T CODDLE THE OL’GROUNDHOG; THEY SHOULD SHOOT HIM!!!
By Mean Old Man

I’m angrier than John McCain at a Chuck Norris film festival over the way that the Commies in the press have made sissies of our young people by promoting Groundhog Day. I remember that stupid day started when I was a kid—by the Commie FDR (no doubt via secret orders from Joe Stalin). Kids today don’t even know what the damned holiday is all about; yeah, they tell you that if the groundhog sees his shadow that it’s six more weeks of Winter—it’s February 2nd—what the Hell do you expect?!? The trees to start budding in March?!!! The holiday is nothing but a fundraising tool for the men in the Kremlin and in Peking. Wake up America!!!!

And what is it with the way they treat that damned rodent? On my land, we have groundhogs too; but we don’t pull ‘em out of the ground and applaud and then pet them (let alone look for a shadow). We fill ‘em up with a little buckshot and take it from there! To the entire PETA crowd who cry about the poor cute little groundhog being cold—well, you should be happy about the groundhogs that live in my neck of the woods—they end up "very" warm—in a pot of Thelma Jean’s champion Groundhog Stew!!! My mouth is watering thinking about it right now.

Everybody today is too lazy; too lazy to enjoy the struggle of having to rustle up some firewood to throw in the trusty furnace (they’d rather support Al Qaeda by using oil burners); too lazy to shovel snow (they’d rather use snow blowers {that run on gas that supports you know who}); and way too damned lazy to go out and snatch their own food from God’s green acre (they’d rather go to the supermarkets). And that’s why we now live in an age where animals are seen as the equal of humans. Hell, Thelma Jean and me were taking a walk the other day when we saw some woman (obviously a Bolshevik) walking a dog that was dressed far warmer than either of us was! Damn!!! And I bet the damned dog has its own bed at home and eats real human food too. In my day dogs knew their place—and it wasn’t inside a warm house. They lay outside in the pen (if they were lucky to have one) and they weren’t sissies about it either. But even I can’t say that I’m immune to the disease that the commies are spreading in regard to animals. One time when it was a sub zero day Thelma Jean told me to bring my ol’ bulldog Titus inside for the night. Well, the bugger comes into the living room and plants himself on the couch; when I tried moving him the next morning he started growling at me. To make a long story short, he’s been on the couch ever since! Thanks Commies!!!!


So all you Commies enjoy your groundhog day; I’m sure a lot of you will be driving to Pawtzatawny (shut up commies--I didn’t spell it right, I KNOW—but those Rusky names have always been hard to spell), to drink some Russian vodka and serenade Phil when he comes out of his subversive hole in the tradition of Sadam Hussein. As for me, I’ll be popping open a Steg, listening to a little Tony Bennett, and waiting on some of Thelma Jean’s groundhog stew (maybe I'll even take a little nap--if I can convince the damned bulldog to get off of the couch). That’s my Groundhog Day; that’s my America!!!

Happy Groundhog Day; I hate you all!!!!!!!!