Saturday, April 07, 2007

Happy Easter

By Mean Old Man

I’m angrier than Donald Trump at a Hair Club for Men meeting over the way the Commies have infiltrated our glorious holiday of Easter, which celebrates the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, by replacing him with the subversive Easter Bunny!!!

In my day Easter meant one thing; you got your butt out of bed, put on your Sunday best, and tagged along with Mom (and sometimes Pop, if it was a good year and he had a sober Saturday night) to celebrate mass. Don’t get me wrong, we got an Easter basket too (Mom and Dad weren’t stick in the muds, despite what you Commie heathens might think), but it just had colored eggs, and only two colors—and if you were "lucky", you got a piece of chocolate; that is if the rats didn't get to the basket first; and you loved it!!! I can remember one day when my old man came home from the bar, after a short 12 hour stint at the breaker, and I asked him about the Easter Bunny. I was about 5 or 6 and I had this silly notion that I would wake up on Easter morning and come downstairs to all of these chocolates and other treats in a huge basket, just like I saw in the Fred McMurray movie I snuck in to. I can still feel the shiner that good ol' Pop laid on me after I asked him that question and I remember his words even better. "Hope for the Bunny to come all you want dimwit; as far as this house goes, I'm the Bunny and you get what I give ya, if I give ya anything! And by the way--there ain't no Santa Claus either!!!" Good ol' Pops; when they made him they broke the mold!!! I tried to be as good a dad to my losers as Pops was to me, but it never rubbed off and they didn't appreciate it. Damn!!!!!!!!
It's so damned different these days at Eastertime; my stupid grandson Clay is expecting a cell phone and some sort of computer gizmo games. I told my dimwit son Harlan that he’d better not expect me to dig deep into my wallet for it—I’ll go so far as to spring for a couple of Hershey bars—but that’s as far as I go!!! Damn!!! Kids today have it too easy and they don’t even know what the holiday is about. The other day my wife Thelma Jean forced me to go into the living room where my pop tart granddaughter Molly was watching some degenerate cartoons. Thelma Jean always likes having the kitchen to herself when she's baking her champion biscuits. So I’m sitting there and the little runt is staring me down. Mind you, I don’t make it a habit talking to kids (especially Commie kids), but I thought I'd make the effort, being that it’s the Christian thing to do. So I ask the future Lolita what she thinks about Easter and she replies that it’s a nice holiday, "Because we all go to church to celebrate the Bunny’s birthday”. I swear it took all of the gumption that I had not to throw the little schmuck out of the window!!!! Thanks Commies!!!!!!

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, what with her being raised by two hippy freak parents. Hell, my prissy sons didn’t even have the guts to go fight for their country in Vietnam, like my friend Gummo’s son Chip did. While my creepy spawns were growing their hair long and listening to their perverted Beatle albums, Chip was wading through the rice paddies in ‘Nam, sporting a good ol' American crew cut. Sure, Chip got blown away by a land mine and isn’t here to celebrate Easter with Gummo—but that’s not the point!!! Gummo can look at Chip's picture on his living room wall and say “That’s my boy!!”, while I have to look at "my" sons and ask myself, “Where the Hell did I go wrong?". If they were any type of loving sons, would it have been too much for them to give me the opportunity that Gummo had?? Then I wouldn’t have to deal with ungrateful, goofy grandkids!!! Hell, even if one of them had gone over and come back minus an arm or a leg--then I could walk into the ol' VFW with him and be a proud father, like my pal Creep Davis and his son Birch--but I guess that was asking too much. It's for the best--my luck, if they had gone over, they'd probably be munching on rice with Ho Chi Minh. Damn!!!!

So, all you Joe Stalin, Chairman Mao, Ho Chi Minh worshiping subversives have a nice Easter and don’t forget to buy your spoiled brats a computer game and a cell phone (Peking is waiting on their call!)—Hell, why not throw in a car for good measure. As for me, I’m having a ham dinner with some of the best biscuits this side of the Mason Dixon, then heading over to my friend Gummo’s homestead with my pal Creep, where we’ll put on some real music (the contemporary sounds of the Andrews Sisters--the greatest American girl group of all time [take that you turncoat Dixie Chicks!!]), and raise a bottle of Steg to the photo of a fine young man--a “real” American hero (one hint--it ain't one of my sons!). To Hell with the Easter Bunny and to Hell with Liberals! Here's hoping you all choke on your chocolates and drown in your prissy Zima---I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!


PA progressive said...

Well done but you still haven't bested my Valentine's day story.
Oh, and, by the way you mean old goat, all that candy, the cell phone, the computer game and all those candles at church-they were all made by those Commies in China. Enjoy. LOL.

Anonymous said...

ah, vision of my uncle and his cans of bud flow through my minds after such stories.

Anonymous said...

Great story, Finally someone who knows what America was built on!