Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hippity Hoppity


An Easter Message from Mean Old Man

I'm fit to be tied over the fact that the glorious Holy Day of Easter Sunday has been used over the years by the liberal establishment as a brainwashing technique to swerve our children into Communism!!
Every year the children of my great country go to bed in hopes of waking up to baskets full of Easter joy---for which they are asked to give nothing in return! Hey, at least the secular invention Santa Claus demands that kids be good all year in order to get their presents. But the Easter Bunny promises everything and for nothing in return, and we all know where promises of that kind are rooted---right out of the playbook of Chairman Mao, and President Obama's stimulus plan, that's where!!

In my day Easter was a sacred day, not a day for kids to have fun. On Sunday morning you got your butt out of bed, went out to the railroad yard to fetch some coal (the colliery guard wouldn't catch you, if it was a good year) and bring it home for Mom to stoke up the trusty stove so that we could fill our guts with nauseating oatmeal. Then us kids would have to keep the furnace fired up, while keeping the noise down so as not to wake Pops up (he was usually sleeping off the previous night's poker game). Of course, Pops always did end up dragging himself down the stairs and he would wallop each of us with his shaving strap. One time he got me right in the jaw, God, I can still feel the sting and then the swelling that followed. My mouth was so swollen that I couldn't eat or sleep for days, it was brutal, painful, wrong, and degrading for me to experience that, but I LOVED IT!!! Because he wacked me to show how much he loved me!!!! Boy, that's a lesson a lot of snot nosed kids could learn today, but of course, their prissy fathers don't have the guts to give it to them. Thanks Dr. Spock (your show Star Trek was as Commie as you are!).

And what's the deal with all of these pagans who don't follow Jesus showing up at church every Easter, taking the seat I've had for myself all year long?!!!! The missus and I always have to stand for the whole mass while the fair weather Judas's sit in comfort showing off their 600 dollar suits and dresses. Maybe instead of closing the churches up, the Bishop can pass out tickets for Easter mass during the regular services throughout the year, then only the true Christians can come to praise our beloved Lord.

And while I'm at it, what is it with the candy industry selling out our Judeo Christian values? I was sitting in my living room the other day watching Lawrence Welk when I noticed my stupid granddaughter Danielle fiddling with a cellophane wrapper that to my horror contained a chocolate cross---that's right, you didn't read it wrong, a chocolate crucifix, the symbol of our Lord's sacrifice, which she proceeded to devour like a human garbage disposal. Talk about teaching kids to disrespect our values and our Savior. Maybe the Bishop should get on this too!!! Needless to say, I threw the little twerp out of the house and told her to go back home to her parents and that hippy commune they call a gated community.

I bet if you asked any kid today what Easter is all about, they would tell you some gibberish like it is the "day I get a basket of candy and an 8 track tape player…" or something to that effect. Kids today don't know a damned thing about the holiday or what it is about. And they have it too damned easy, too!!! We didn't get an Easter basket when I was a kid; we were lucky to get new cardboard to fill in the holes in our shoes and even luckier if Mom found the time to mend the holes in our gloves!!

But what's the point of my even trying anymore. I've had it with today's prissy parents and their kids. And I could tell you a thing or two about the stupid relatives coming to my house this weekend, but all you need do is to view my past columns to know that story. To be honest, if I go through the trouble of printing the whole sorry scene once again, I'll throw up!!

So, all you dimwit, robotic liberals, enjoy your Easter. Hell, maybe you'll even get a stimulus check in your baskets. As for me, I'll feast on a dinner of fresh smoked ham, retire to my upstairs attic which I've turned into a den, light up a lucky, pour down a bottle of Steg, and fire up the ol' victrola to listen to the soothing sounds of Bing Crosby singing Easter Parade.

Happy Easter, I hate you all!!!!!!!

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