Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving is a time for family

Or maybe not


A holiday message from Mean Old Man

Here we go again with the stupid and useless holiday, Thanksgiving!

Once again, I have to put up with my two dumb sons and their even dumber kids, not to mention their harlot wives. Damn!!!! What the hell is so special about the damned day anyhow? Everyone gets together to eat turkey and stuffing. If my wife Thelma Jean wanted me too, I could provide that practically every day courtesy of my trusty Remington. But some idiot down the way had to come up with an idea to make a holiday about eating damn supper!!!

In my day we celebrated Thanksgiving too, but it wasn’t like nowadays. Back then spoiled snot nosed kids knew their place and if they didn’t an adult in the room would be more than happy to show them the way courtesy of a fat lip. Those were the days! I remember one Thanksgiving when my old man came home from the breaker with one too many Stegs in his belly. Mom had the turkey on the table with all of the trimmings and I could still recall how good everything smelled. Anyways, Pops came out of the washroom and stumbled right into the table, knocking the leg off it and the entire turkey and rest of the food with it! All on Mom’s clean kitchen floor. I could still hear the howl in the kitchen, NO NOT FROM MOM, but from Pops because Mom had ruined Thanksgiving by not moving the table a little further from the washroom door. Fortunately, Mom had a spare turkey (that Pops had shot) in the ice box and she had to cook the meal all over again. It took hours but Mom didn’t complain because back then women knew their place and it wasn’t standing on a stage with Gloria Allred!!!! By the time we did finally eat, Pops had a long nap and was sobered up, at least until he hit the bottle again after dinner. Good Ol’ Pops, what a guy. I miss him a lot.

Women today don’t even know how to cook, let alone improvise like good ol’ Mom did. My two sons, Harlan and Clay married women whose idea of cooking a meal is throwing a TV dinner in the oven or boiling a box of spaghetti. No wonder my dumb grandkids look like refugees---and think like nitwits.

And don’t even talk to me about how my day is going to be ruined. Thelma Jean can cook a turkey with the best of them and her biscuits are the best in the world---even Joe Paterno would smile this turkey day if he tasted one!! But this great meal is going to be ruined by all these damned “family” events. I always tell my sons to go to their in-laws for dinner, but apparently even my daughters in law’s mothers can’t cook either!!

I’d like to know where my damned sons are whenever I need help fixing the chicken coops or the septic tank. Or even painting the barn!!! You know where? If you do let ME know so I can give them a good kick in the shins, like my Pop would if I disrespected him!!!!!

I’ve a mind to just skip the whole damned family thing and go to the Thanksgiving gathering at the VFW. I know that my good pals Creep, Birch and Gummo will all be there and the barkeep Mitch is making the turkey and the stuffing. Ol’ Mitch worked the mess hall back in WWII and he can make a feast out of a morsel. Plus there will be plenty of Steg there and I won’t have to worry about any of my sons swiping it.

So, all you subversives have a nice Thanksgiving. Don’t forget to send your holiday donation to the DNC. As for me, I’ll be at the bar having a few Stegs, dining on some of the best grubb this side of the Mason Dixon , puffing on a Lucky, and listening to the soothing sounds of the Andrews Sisters singing “Apple blossom time”. To hell with my stupid sons, and grandkids and their harlot wives! And while I’m at it to Hell with all of you too!!!
Happy Thanksgiving.


Anonymous said...

No mention of a wife so aparently she found a way to escape the Mean Old Man.

Anonymous said...

He talks about his wife's biscuits making Paterno smile.

Anonymous said...

The way my mother in law cooks I think I'll head down to the vfw to try mitch's food.